Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Focusing on Parenting...

Attachment focused Parenting by Daniel A. Hughes.

I know I have mentioned it a few times that I'm doing a fair bit of reading on parenting an adopted child, more importantly a child with attachment issues.  I've read several books and I'm struggling on another one to work my way through.  But this one IS worth the effort.  The language is wordy, and some of the terminalogy doesn't stick in my head.  I never responded well with lecturing, even though this author gives examples I find reading it in smaller doses helps me process what he is saying.

I've been trying to use what he is teaching with my kids and well, I find I often am butting heads with Dale as he will cut straight to the point when I'm dealing with them, instead of letting me dig deeper into their behaviours.  I've explained to him what I have been trying to do and he's starting to ease off. 

One thing I have been doing lately and I have really noticed it with my kids, is instead of saying "You" as in "Can you put your backpack away?" (which has always lead to several unanwered responses and it not being done at all) to "I" as in "I noticed that your backpack is blocking the door."  Well gosh darn it  if he didn't pick it up and move it to where it was suppose to go.  I've been doing this almost everyday for a week now and I am floored by the results.  It's like magic.  They even helped clean up the family room a couple of times without complaint.

Some of the other phrases he suggests to speak to the inner child I find hard mostly because my kids look at me rather strange, so maybe I'll hold back on the phrases.  I have been making more of a point to ask my kids questions, trying to dig deep beneath the surface, there is always a reason to their behaviour.  It may not make sense to us, but it helps to understand what is going on better with them.

So far though, I think this writer is bang on about somethings.  It is important to be curious about what is going on inside your child as well as outside.  It's important to be sympathic as well as empathic, admit your mistakes, and to always repair the relationship when needed.

I wish I could speed through this book faster as it is two weeks overdue, but I'm hopeful I'll finish it next week or so...maybe a little longer.

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